Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I bought a book last night that touched me very deeply. Susan Richard's "Chosen By a Horse". I just finished it a few minutes ago, the tears have dried but the memories and insight keeps me thinking.

It brought me back to just a few years ago. Of saving a horse from the track that a lot of people wouldn't have been able to deal with. Very protective of himself - like me. In time he grew to love and trust me. Knowing I was nothing like what his previous five years had shown him. I always felt such pride and love for him and in him. Oh, my Senda Benda Boo - I still grieve for you. I didn't realize how much. I have had his pictures up in my cube for a month or so. I hadn't been able to before. I have his old racing win pictures in my bedroom now. As with all things that pain me I shut the door. Now, I find that I can take a peak, I can't open it all the way but I can peak. I can open it a little wider as time passes.

After completing this book, I cried thinking of holding Senda's head as he lay in the padded stall after breaking his leg while coming to from a surgery that probably didn't help him as they couldn't do what they wanted to do. They had given him a shot to keep him relaxed and free from pain but I know he knew I was there. I told him how sorry I was for putting him through this and how much I loved him and how I would always love him forever and ever. I would have loved to stay longer but knew he had to go on his way. I kissed him once again and walked sobbing through the cement hallways. My painful sobs reverberating through the halls of the U of M horse clinic. I went to my truck and trailer too upset to drive away. It wasn't meant to be like this.

I also cried for my loss of childhood, lack of parental love and guidance, of things taken from me that should only be given. I cried for love found and lost. I sobbed for all my four-legged friends that have gone on, before their time and the too few whose time it was. And I cry for myself. I am feeling better having let loose the floodgates for a bit so there isn't overflow directly over the damn but I know there is much more behind them. Sometimes you just need to get tears out.

I could relate to feeling too old to love and afraid to be hurt again. After Friday's encounter and boosting I thought maybe I was ready. Maybe I am not. I could relate to being alone for safety of one's self. I thought I have been getting better about trusting but feel a little insecure about letting down the defenses as it doesn't take much to be hurt. I like to risk but I sure don't like to be hurt.

Back on the ranch . . . keeping fingers crossed Josie will have shoes on. I am hoping to make it tonight suppose to go to HH. Maybe Mr. Right will be there.